


Raison D'être

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-19
Updated: 2008-12-19
Packaged: 2017-11-29 08:55:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/685146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He is the reason I both soar and fall. I've loved him more than life itself all these years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Raison D'être

**Author's Note:**

> For the **diexkyo_love** prompt: Memory - for Die's birthday.  
>  Happy Birthday, Die. ♥  
> Song[s]: "Snuff" by Slipknot
> 
> To this day, this is still one of my favorite works. ♥

Die POV  
December 20, 2008

I've never felt so free in my life. Yet, at the same time, I've never felt so very alone.

I sit here in the semi-darkness, only the light from the moon coming in my window. It's three in the morning. Such an insignificant fact, except for the fact that it's my birthday... has been for three hours now. My fingers slide over the strings of my guitar, playing out the saddest melody I've ever created. Over and over, the chords come, my acoustic freeing them into the air of the room.

My heart joins the single-man song, beating out a rhythm of pain. I close my eyes and I see him standing there, just behind the shutters to my mind. The love of my life and the reason I've wasted the past fourteen years. He is the reason I both soar and fall. I've loved him more than life itself all these years.

My hands are fast, my breathing coming in short gasps as the tears track down my cheeks. Some would call me weak. Some would think I'm pathetic for living like this. But those people don't understand that he is also the reason I exist on this day - my very raison d'être.

I miss him... I already miss him so much. I know I shouldn't, it's only been a few short days since I saw him last and less than a month since my every waking minute was spent around him on tour. But that doesn't matter, it never has. When he's there, my life has meaning. And when he's not... I struggle to simply be.

My hands never cease movement, the song taking on more than it had in the beginning, growing into something more. With my eyes shut, it becomes everything I never said, everything I feel. The wet heat of my tears continues to track down my cheeks and I can't help the way I start to lean into the song, comforting myself in the only way I can.

A voice joins my one-man song, the source of my affections. My heart stands still, but my fingers continue to play. His words surround me and engulf me, his voice swelling and falling with the song. The words he cries, the way he does it... he understands what it means. The pain runs deep enough as it flows from my fingers and out of my guitar, that he can feel it, too.

It feels like forever that I keep going; that my fingers draw out more from me as he responds. All the while, my tears never cease. Uncaring that it's now four in the morning, he pulls it higher, pouring his own emotion into it until I can hear his voice shaking, can hear the way he's trying so hard not to scream.

My eyes lift to the window and I watch his silhouette. His fingers tangle in his hair and his small frame trembles. The moonlight catches his face and I can see it, see the glistening wet on his cheeks and I know that for the first time I'm not alone. The words he spills are coated in everything I have ever been, just as my fingers pull out everything he has ever been. And in that moment, that moment of realization, I end it, the last notes ringing out in the same instant he lets out the most tortured scream I have ever heard.

I swallow hard, slowly putting my guitar aside and standing, my head bowed and my breath short. Do I dare? But I already know I do. Turning, I come to him, reaching for him and taking his hands from his hair, kissing each one in turn. I slide my knuckles down his wet cheek, collecting the evidence of his pain as I search his eyes. It's now or never; I act or I don't.

With the most gentle of movements, I dip my head, gently kissing him, my tongue trailing over the piercing he always denies wearing these days. It reminds me of things from the past; the way he tasted the only time I ever had this chance.

His hands come up, one resting on my shoulder, the other caressing my cheek, wiping away my tears as he kisses me back. Almost tentatively, his tongue swipes against my own. I meet it, tasting him in the most complete of ways before I pull away, gasping softly. My eyes study his, searching for everything I hope and pray to find there.

"What am I to you?" He whispers the words, as though breaking this silence is something we shouldn't do.

Without hesitation, the answer slips past my lips. "My raison d'être." I don't regret saying it. I can't.

The purest smile I've seen in years slips across his lips as he stares up at me, black eyes piercing my very soul. "The song..."

"Everything I feel for you." My voice wavers at letting him know, at letting him see that the pain I was pouring into every note was because of him.

"It cut me... cut me deeper than you know." His hands slide over my chest, finally fisting in the material as he tugs on it slightly, offering me the saddest of smiles. "Because that pain is my own."

I knew, I knew from the start. The instant he parted his lips and let it out, I knew. But that doesn't change how it affects me to hear him say it. I feel the tears well again and he presses himself against me, resting his head on my chest.

"Happy birthday." The sentiment passes through his lips while my hand strokes his blonde locks.

"I love you." Somehow it seems the fitting answer and somehow, I know he won't push me away.

He doesn't respond, but he doesn't have to. The way his arms slip around me, the slight change in his breathing... it's all more than enough. He feels it too, but he'll never say it. Maybe years from now, when we have nothing to live up to, maybe then. But for now... for now this is everything I could have ever hoped for.

**The End**  



End file.
